Introduction to the challenges couples face in the bedroom
Intimacy is the very heartbeat of any romantic relationship. However, most couples, at one point or the other, find themselves struggling in bed, which in turn affects their connection and satisfaction. The typical challenges that couples face in the bedroom range from communication issues to low-libido, performance anxiety, body image issues among several others. So, in this article we will be discussing the most common bedroom challenges of couples, and what can be done about them. Addressing these challenges head-on can help couples deepen their intimacy and fall in love again.
Communication: The key to intimacy
It is hard to overstate just how important effective communication is when it comes to having a healthy, fulfilling sexual relationship, as well as maintaining an open and intimate connection with a partner. But it is undeniable that many couples struggle with communication when it comes to discussing not only their sexual fantasies, desires and concerns, but even the most basic aspects of keeping a dialogue about sex going after a long day or week. Poor communication can result in misinterpreted priorities, missed sexual engagement opportunities, as well as feelings of resentment and isolation on one or both partners’ end. Reserved and unspoken sexual communication can result in a great deal of misunderstandings and unfulfilled benchmarks that go beyond sex and permeate other areas of a relationship. In light of this, trying to overcome poor communication raises the utmost importance for couples to cultivate non-judgemental, safe spaces in order to begin discussing sexual wishes, boundaries and anxieties when they arise. This can be accomplished by creating a regular ‘sex date’, usually involving an open conversation in which each individual shares a list of their wishes, sexual boundaries and any questions or fears that come up in relation to sexual intimacy with their partner.
Additionally, the participants need to listen more closely to their partner’s needs and communicate non-verbally by paying attention to each other’s cues, thereby improving the emotional communion. Both couples needed to become more active in conversing with one another, but also in listening more intently and showing empathy toward each other in order to bridge the communicative vacuum and build a stronger emotional bond that will, in turn, lead to better sexual relations.
Lack of desire: Understanding and addressing low libido
Low desire or libido is the most common reason couples seek sex therapy. Several things can contribute to a decreased desire: personal factors like stress, hormonal shifts and some medications can cause a dip. Relationship issues that present like a suddenly lower libido can also be a factor. Regardless of the cause, it’s normal for desire to wax and wane during our lifetime. Just because you’re not interested in sex today doesn’t mean you are sexually incompatible or that your love for your partner isn’t strong.
The best way to tackle this problem is to remember that it might be physical, it might be hormonal, it might be thousands of other things, and a real approach from a place of empathy and openness can help with both finding out what’s up and finding a solution. People might not feel comfortable to talk about what they’d like or what they’re worried about if they have concerns, so a nonjudgmental approach really helps. Perhaps a new activity or a new variation in the bedroom can stir up excitement again. Also, if there is a problem that can’t be solved, a therapist can really help. There might be a small thing, a big thing, or an underlying issue influencing feelings of disinterest in sex. I think it’s really beneficial to talk to a healthcare provider because everyone perceives their sex life in different ways.
Performance anxiety: Overcoming pressure and expectations
Performance anxiety is one of the more common difficulties that can disrupt a couple’s sexual relationship, particularly as partners feel increasing pressure to perform and live up to sexualised expectations. When sex becomes tied up in self-esteem and subpar performances trigger feelings of self-doubt, guilt, shame and diminished self-worth, sex may be disproportionately laden with the fear of failure and the potential personal and relational consequences that may ensue. Sex is not about performance, Performance ‘anxiety’ is not a medical disorder. In a broader context, many people may feel some degree of initial performance ‘anxiety’ as they’ve never had sex before and are unsure how it should unfold because no one has ever talked to them about it. What exactly constitutes ‘good’ sex? It depends on whom you ask. Sexual performance can feel like The Catch-22: you need your partner to be satisfied with it for the experience to be gratifying, but your partner needs you to be satisfied with it to be truly satisfied themselves.
Stepping back from an expectant stance, becoming less performative and talking constructively about situations, anxieties, fears and confidence can be important. Laying down the cudgel of judgement by practising non-judgment can be very helpful. Pleasure rather than performance. Experimentation with techniques: newer is not necessarily better but taking the time to learn what feels better and what doesn’t, to describe what feels good and what doesn’t, can be invigorating and restore enthusiasm and confidence.
Body image issues: Embracing self-confidence and acceptance
There is an interesting correlation between how couples feel about their bodies and how their sex lives function. Research shows how body-image concerns can negatively affect sexual encounters (if you don’t feel good about yourself, how can you fully be in the moment?). Couples must create space to be comfortable with their bodies – body-positivity culture is essential.
If you have a partner dealing with body image issues, fostering a culture of self-love and acceptance can go a long way towards alleviating the issue. Practice having frank discussions about body issues, provide honest reassurance and soothing support rather than brush it off. Always remind her to focus on her positive traits and that attraction is often a result of one’s character and personality rather than their physical features or body shape. Engage in activities that highlight your partner’s strength and goodness. Trying deeper self-care and exercise regimes can help improve her body image. Ensuring enough sleep and taking care of the mind are also crucial for fostering body positivity.
Stress and fatigue: Managing outside factors that affect intimacy
Stress and tiredness affect many couples in that they limit their time and energy for a sexual relationship. Many couples have a lot on their plate, with work, family obligations and daily tasks leaving them exhausted. Many people need a way to deal with stress and tiredness so that they can make energy (lifeforce, or chi) available for intimacy.
Setting firm boundaries for work-life balance, getting adequate sleep, taking part in stress reduction efforts such as exercise and mindfulness meditation, and even outsourcing tasks if possible (eg, hiring someone to clean the house to lessen fatigue) can create more space for greater intimacy in the time that remains. Setting aside a special time when partners can intentionally engage with one another – be it date nights or kayaking – can also help them unwind and consolidate a shared emotional connection.
Emotional disconnect: Reconnecting on an emotional level
As for that sense of ‘emotional closure’? It’s another key factor in maintaining intimacy. If a couple are emotionally shut down with one another, how is there sex going to be ‘intimate’? Couples need to be intimate with one another and come together in the foreplay in order to have a truly intimate sexual experience.
To advocate for emotional connection, create places and moments for emotional connection outside the bedroom such as having intimate conversations, sharing compliments, listening to each other’s thoughts, and addressing concerns. You can also rekindle love by doing things together – going on adventures and learning or engaging in a new hobby. Finally, it is helpful to go to a therapist or counsellor to help resolve any relationship matters that are contributing to a feeling of emotional detachment.
Role-playing and fantasy: Exploring new ways to ignite passion
Role-playing and fantasy can be used to set a couple’s libido ablaze and revitalise a sexual relationship – especially when it is imbued with passion and adventure. Take the familiar genre of romantic fiction, for example: not much is left to the imagination if you already know who will ultimately win the proverbial fair princess. By not avoiding topics of BDSM, couples can decrease their anxieties and bring new dimensions to their sex lives Role-play can grant partners permission to take on new identities and explore different erotic scenarios.
In order to try role-playing and fantasy, boundaries and consent are essential. Having these discussions with your partner can help create and establish rules around role-play. Talking openly about what you’re drawn to, your boundaries, and fantasies can be a means of keeping the door open for conversation and exploration. For some, implementing role-play might involve developing a scene together, organising time and space, and incorporating a costume. Get creative! Add a new colour of paint to your bedroom wall in order to create a more sensual vibe while having sex. Or try a fantasy: it might be as simple as a doctor-patient fantasy, enable you to re-enact a scene from your favourite movie, or let you live out a classic dominance and submission scenario. Whatever it might be, role-playing and fantasy must always be consensual and respectful. While exploring these aspects can be exciting and fun, boundaries and consent must remain the top priorities for people seeking employment assistance. If you like this, you might want to read: Ten common sexual misconceptions and how to enhance your couple’s sex life in nine minutes.
Seeking professional help: When to consider therapy or counselling
Sometimes, however, love and communication between partners are challenged both within and outside the bedroom. If attempts at self-help have not sufficiently resolved the issues or discouragement has set in, expert intervention can help. A trained therapist completes years of study in the art of language, communication and connecting – ingredients necessary to assist couples in overcoming barriers to intimacy. Therapy or counselling provided by a trained specialist comes complete with research on the most effective methods for this purpose, as well as financial support for people who qualify.
Remember that asking for help isn’t an indication of weakness or failure – it’s an opportunity to explore any underlying problems, prescribe practical tools for improved communication and intimacy and help couples move forward into a more vibrant sexual relationship together.
Conclusion: Rebuilding intimacy and strengthening your relationship
For couples, an intimate relationship is as essential as sharing meals together, and it’s only natural to face sex-related challenges. Sincere work on the ‘bedroom issues’ can help you re-connect and re-ignite an intimate relationship. In this section, we cover a wide range of sex-related issues, such as poor sex communication, low libido for one or both partners, erectile dysfunction, performance anxiety, penis size, vaginal tightness, lack of orgasm, body image issues, especially abdominal fat or penis size, issues with talking about sex, or even lack of interest in exploring your sexual potential together. In light of the recent Covid-19 pandemic, many couples were separated and couldn’t be together, which naturally took a toll on both their intimacy and their relationships. In fact, open discussions about sex could spark some intimacy. However, despite being an important aspect of romantic couples, this part of relationships still seems to be a taboo subject. Therefore, learning to talk about sex openly with your partner is an essential aspect of any life-long romantic relationship. Furthermore, deep stress from work or other projects, time pressure, or other factors can negatively impact not only your time for sex, but can also directly hinder arousal and desire itself. Oftentimes, women feel that they need a longer time to reach arousal, but both men and women can be affected by stress and anxiety of various kinds. As a side note, pleasure and arousal often come hand in hand, but they are not always completely overlapping. You can be sexually aroused, but not particularly enjoy it. You can experience immense pleasure, but remain unaroused. Great sex involves a state of fusion and union between partners. With persistent challenges, you and your partner can ask yourselves: what’s the root issue or the reason why sex has become challenging or even nonexistent? Fortunately, there is a wide range of modifications and tools you and your partner can explore together. With some trial and error, you could find some methods to help you re-connect, re-kindle the sexiness together, and grow the intimacy in your relationship to the next horizon.
