Steps to Take When Your Boyfriend Cheats on You

Women who learn that their boyfriends have been unfaithful are often blindsided. They can feel completely duped, betrayed, heartbroken – and uncertain what to do next. You are far from the only one in this situation, and there is no easy answer to these circumstances.

In this article we will explore some things you can do if you are hit with the discovery that your boyfriend is cheating on you, how to confront your mate, how to assess if you can or to end it and move on with your life.

This is where choosing the ‘Right turn’ requires some care and introspection. It will be useful to give yourself time to experience and process your feelings, and you might find it valuable to talk to those friends and family members you trust most.

Though it’s understandable to want to restore or return to your previous situation, – especially when you don’t know what to expect – don’t let urgency get the better of you. Only you can decide what’s better for your mental health and happiness in the long run.

Therefore, if you’ve found yourself here, we invite you to feel alongside us as we sift through the maze of feelings and choices that accompany learning of an affair.

Signs of infidelity in a relationship

If you’re like me and act like an idiot whenever someone you love has an affair, you probably also struggle to recognise when things are going that way while they’re happening. This is especially true if your significant other has developed a system that makes it particularly difficult to pin down when they’re going over to the other lover’s place. Still, for the usual cheater, things will start to become visible – though nothing is infallible, so don’t slit your wrists if you notice only a few of these: Look for patterns in your partner’s behaviour. Here are some of the tell-tale signs of infidelity.

Change in behavior and routine: Is your partner opening up their laptop when you’re in the bathroom or getting home late from work? Is anything different about the way they’re behaving and living their life?
Lack of intimacy: If your mate’s affection is missing, if there’s a sudden chill in your physical relationship, or if he or she starts turning down intimacy with you and others are still accepted, pack up your bags, says Calhoun. Loss of intimacy typically goes hand in hand with physical and emotional cheating.
Excessive defensiveness: If your partner gets overly defensive when you raise concerns about anything at all – accusing you of being crazy or paranoid or jealous – you should suspect that something’s gone awry.
Suspicious phone or computer behavior: Did your partner’s phone or computer suddenly become an untouchable object? Are they now password-locking it or getting suddenly coy about their activity?

Keep in mind that these signs alone are not proof that your partner is engaging in extra-marital affairs, but they are certainly indications from which you can build a case against them with further investigation, and a frank discussion with your partner will be required before you can get positive evidence of an infidelity.

Processing your emotions after discovering infidelity

Being told that your boyfriend has been cheating on you likely provoked a whole range of strong feelings. These, like any emotions that you have, are important and valid, and you deserve to take whatever time is needed to experience them. You might want to try these steps after some things have passed and your ability to think clearly has returned.

Allow yourself to grieve: a betrayal is actually a loss. You lose what you thought you had. And along with it, perhaps you have lost your trust in them, your relationship and the future you had with them. Give yourself permission to feel that loss, and to be so very sorry.
Seek emotional support: Reach out to trusted friends and family members who can provide a listening ear and offer support during this challenging time. Talking about your feelings can help you gain perspective and begin the healing process.
Consider therapy or counseling: being cheated on is like being set in a washing machine for a good long cycle. An outsider’s perspective — someone you pay to help you through the pain and figure out what you can do to make thoughtful new decisions going forward — is great.

But also remember that, as a process, no two people’s process will look identical. There is no rush. Allow yourself to feel each of the feelings you have around this betrayal.

Communicating with your partner about the situation

Finally, you’ve collected up enough evidence to make a claim, and you’ve dealt with the emotions that often accompany what I call ‘fact-discovery’, so it’s time to bring it all out and tell your partner what’s going on. It’s a tricky conversation, but you both need to know what you know, and when you know it, in order to decide what you want from this relationship. Here’s how to do it:

Choose the right time and place: a quiet place; somewhere you can speak privately without distraction; not when you’re tired or stressed or when there is something else on your mind.
Express your feelings: Say how you feel in a calm, clear voice and avoid blaming statements or accusations. State what you feel, not what you think he has done to you, e.g. ‘I feel hurt and I feel betrayed by what you did.’ Avoid starting your statement with ‘You…’ for example: ‘You cheated on me and you messed everything up.’
Listen actively: Let your partner have their say, trying not to interrupt them. Put yourself in their shoes and try to validate their feelings. Validate, yes, but also stick up for yourself and your own sense of wellbeing.
Ask questions: ask your partner questions and get clearer insight about what is happening. This also creates the opportunity to possibly learn if they are not exactly honest.

Remember, it is still a dialogue and, as such, requires a great amount of empathy, openness and active listening. It will be upsetting for both of you at times, with varying degrees of emotion and reaction from her side, and your own reactions should be taken into consideration.

Seeking support from friends and family

Being caught in the middle of an affair means that you’re going through untold amounts of stress. And when you’re stressed out, not everyone is eager to lend an ear because the added amount of someone else’s drama is just the last straw. But you don’t need to deal with infidelity alone. You just need to do (and say) the right things so your confidants understand how best they can support you. Here’s how they can help.

Offering a listening ear: Friends and family can provide a valuable space for you to talk about your feelings and experiences in an unjudgmental way. You might find that talking about emotions helps you clear your mind.
Providing different perspectives: Close friends or family might have a different take on your situation or draw on past experiences of similar situations. Their ‘lessons from life’ could offer insights that you might not have thought of.
Offering practical help: Your friends and family can help you with such things as moving out if you decide to end the relationship or giving you a safe place to stay if you need to get away from the situation.

Make every effort to select your confidantes carefully. Nurture relationships with the people who are willing to listen with open ears, to offer care and support, and to provide guidance free from their own prejudices. Building up a support team to aid you through difficult times is essential to your recovery.

Deciding whether to confront the other person involved

Finding out that your boyfriend has cheated usually involves another person. You might feel like confronting that person, but should you? Here are a few things worth thinking about first:

Your safety: If your safety (emotional, physical, economic, professional – whatever) could be jeopardized by engaging with the other person, or they’ll antagonize you or it will just go wrong, then walk away.
Gaining closure: Since speaking directly to the other can present you with an opportunity to better understand the nature of the violation and may help you come to terms with that betrayal, it’s quite possible that this would help you move on. Just remember that the other person may not be open to having a meaningful conversation or may not provide you with the answers you seek.
Potential repercussions: Speaking up to the other person might elicit a different type of negative reaction from her (or him) in some way – for example, she might punch you. Consider whether the potential benefits outweigh the potential costs

Finally, she must make the decision about whether or not to play confrontation. All comments are welcome in this regard. If you are in this position that is, the power of deciding whether to confront the other person – please comment. Looking forward to your response.

Seeking professional help, such as couples therapy

When infidelity occurs, there might be issues in the relationship that go beyond the betrayal itself and can benefit from the guidance of a trained therapist. Couples therapy can offer a safe space for both partners to share their emotions, discuss the problems, and make a healthier move forward by relaying their feelings to one another, making amends and re-establishing trust. Here’s how couples therapy can help you.

Facilitate communication: A skilled therapist is able to help both to articulate their concerns, to provide communication guidelines, and is often able to enable directional discussion between the two sides.
Address underlying issues: Cheating is a symptom, not a cause. There are underlying issues in an affair, and a therapist will show couples how to uncover them and communicate about them, allowing both to create a better life together.
Rebuilding trust: Regaining trust after infidelity takes time and attention. A couple’s therapist can help move the process along, using tools and techniques to foster trust and a strong future foundation.

It’s essential to choose a therapist who specializes in couples therapy and has experience working with infidelity. Both partners must be committed to the process and willing to put in the necessary work for couples therapy to be effective.

Exploring the possibility of forgiveness and rebuilding trust

Rebuilding trust after an infidelity is a personal, difficult journey; a commitment from both partners. If you’re willing to entertain the possibility of forgiveness and rebuilding trust, these are some steps to consider along the way.

Open and honest communication: It’s critical that both partners are able to talk candidly about their feelings and concerns, and how each plans to move forward. They both need to be open and honest – which leads to a new, rebuilt sense of trust.
Seek professional help: Acquire a specialist to help you analyse what went wrong (individual or couples therapy), and build trust moving forward.
Establish boundaries and expectations: Identify boundaries and expectations around what you need in the relationship going forwards – for example, what kind of communication with him or her is OK (and what’s not); drawing the line about what you should and shouldn’t ask about; and so forth. Making decisions together about how you’ll move forward in rebuilding trust in your relationship.
Practice forgiveness: Forgiveness is a very powerful sentiment and practice, but it’s something you do over time. It can help to work through your feelings, let them pass, before you even try to forgive. Also, forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or overlooking what your partner did. It just means that you’re choosing not to hold onto resentment and working towards trying to heal.

There’s no right or wrong to forgiving, or to rebuilding trust after infidelity. The decision to work past these wounds belongs to each of us alone. It takes energy, commitment and a willingness to feel your pain. But in the end, it’s worth it.

Setting boundaries and expectations for the future

Once you accept that your relationship might be worth saving, it’s important to put boundaries in place. These boundaries should be Limits that make it clear that certain norm violations will not take place again. Expectations that define the kind of relationship you want moving forward. When rebuilding after an affair, most of your conversations should be framed around Limits and Expectations. Here is what I recommend:

Communicate your needs: Clearly communicate your needs and expectations to your partner. This might include discussing your expectations around communication, transparency and behaviour within the relationship.
Establish consequences: Discuss what will happen when the boundaries are crossed. This sets an expectation that each partner respects the other’s boundaries and will be held accountable for breaking them.
Rebuilding trust: Expect that it will be a slow and gradual process. Trust requires time and work from partners. You need to be patient and allow trust to come about by itself.
Regular check-ins: Set up regular check-ins where you can monitor the health of the relationship. This time can be used to raise any concerns that arise and make changes to boundaries if necessary.

Boundaries are also more about process than product – they must be continually revisited and discussed as time goes on and trust is restored. As with all boundaries – physical, psychological and sexual – trust and communication are paramount. It is important that the boundaries you create are congruent, clear and communicated well.

Taking time for self-care and healing

It’s important for you to process an infidelity in a healthy way, and self-care is an essential way of doing that. Take care of yourself by:

Practice self-compassion: Go easy on yourself here. Treat yourself as you would a best friend.
Engage in self-reflection: Take the mirror back on yourself. Use it to reflect, and to find out a bit more about yourself.
Engage in activities you enjoy: Go and do the things you enjoy most, things that take you down to earth, for example doing a hobby, going on a run, walking in nature, doing arts and crafts.
Seek professional help: Individual therapy or counselling can support the recovery process by providing guidance and helping to process feelings, while also offering tools and techniques for self-care.

Remember that healing is a unique and individual process. Give yourself permission to prioritize your well-being and take the time you need to heal. Surround yourself with people and activities that bring you joy and support your emotional well-being.

Making a decision about the future of the relationship

You’ve done the grieving, the consultation and the advice-seeking, and the reconnection. It’s time to decide what to do about the relationship. You get to choose, not I. So, you’ll need to look back to the basics of your life – your vision, guiding values, needs and goals. Here are some things to think about.

Assess the progress: Has the relationship healed over time through restored trust, effective communication and, hopefully, resolution of the problems that initially made you find joy in his lap?
Trust your instincts: Trust your gut, be aware of your feelings, and listen to your intuition, considering whether you feel safe, important and respected in the relationship.
Consider your long-term goals: What are your longer-term life goals, and does this relationship get you there, or could it get you there? Do you feel like you can see a sunnier tomorrow here, a future that you wouldn’t mind committing to?
Seek professional guidance: If you’re still unsure about the future of the relationship, consider seeking the guidance of a therapist or counselor. They can provide an objective perspective and help you navigate the decision-making process.

Remember this: there may never be a right answer to this question. What matters is that you have to live some way in order to be as peaceful about yourself as you can be. Be you. Live your life. Do what you have to do in order to be as happy and as free as you can be and trust yourself to know what this is. I certainly trust you.

In summary, as a woman and you find out your boyfriend of 3 years is cheating on you must be a rough experience. It must feel like a terrible shot to the ego and hurts. All I want to say as a sister in these fuckery ways is to give your emotions consideration, talk things over with friends and loved ones, and have a conversation on how you feel and where the relationship needs to be to salvage it (if you do decide to stay). Your feeling and what your emotions drive you to is pure you. At the end of the day, you can decide what’s right for you to reconcile or walk away from the relationship. Whether you decide you stay or you go, at the end of the day, it is what your feelings drive you to. It is your decision to heal, question what you want for yourself moving forward and make decisions, if you do, from what feels like the best decision for you. You are definitely not alone, more happiness in the wings for you when you have the right support and care for yourself.